i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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