So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
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Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
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My breasts were aching with rage.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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