I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
