Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
