My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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