I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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