three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
