I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
