My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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