So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
