Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
