It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
