The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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