I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros, bitch!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
