May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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