Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
