I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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