I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
