new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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