I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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