and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
