I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
