Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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