I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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