I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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