my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
