Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
