Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
