I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
