You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
