when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
