Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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