the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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