I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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