shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
