why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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