don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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