So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
