My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
