Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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