im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
