woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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