u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So much Jack, so little girl.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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