There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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