dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
