just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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