Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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