I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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