can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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