I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
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I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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