I puked a lego.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
