I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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