Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Randomize
