Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
